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    • Oh! waking is a bitter nightmare..when you constantly hang around the fringes of my dreams..

    ..my foundation is crumbling and shattered glass is falling all over sidewalks..

    ..i am collapsing and i am collapsing on myself.. i am shards of glass..and i am the person being wounded by the glass..

    ..there is a certain beautiful honesty about depression..

    ..will Candy and honey not ..sweeten the Bitter acrimony of life? ..if truth indeed be a fallacy, then should reality not be a lie?

    Truth is like water. A little of it quenches your thirst Too much of it..and you drown.

    Sunday, October 20, 2002

    love is patient and lov is kind. love does not envy love does not parade itself, is not puffed up. does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil. does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth, bears all things, endures all things.
    love never fails...

    ..if this is wad love is abt.. then... NO.....


    ...you never did love me..
    u loved urself even more then me.
    u loved ur possessions even more then me.
    U loved everyone but me
    ..no u could not have loved me..
    ...take back ur words, take back everything becoz i cannnot bear to hear another lie.
    ...no u could not have loved me..
    ..i dare u to read this now and tell me tt u really loved me..
    ...no u could not have loved me...
    ..u do everything u can to hurt me
    ..u take pleasure in my tears
    ....do u call this love?
    ..could u have ever loved me..?

    ill answer it for you. NO.
    i dare you to say yes. and tell me u arent lying.
    you could have told anyone e same thing
    take back ur damn words . ur damn things and give them to someone else who deserves them more
    if u ever do see this...
    tell me tt wad i say isnt true?
    no u could not have loved me.
    HOW COULD U HAVE LOVED ME? NO NO NO NO NO
    if wad u've given me is called love then i dun want it. take it back. give it to someone else.
    I DUN WANT UR LOVE
    I DUN WANT UR LIES
    JUS GET OUT
    DUN EVER tell me u love me until u mean it.
    and its not like ill believe it.


    Love never fails?

    how can this be.

    dawn fairy on the moon at 10/20/2002
    Thursday, October 10, 2002

    i`ve been staying at my aunts house fer sometime coz my parents went to new york. Im sooooooo bored here and i cant believe my parents had to go at this time of e month and leave me here in singapore!!! I wanna go to new york too! tho its dangerous but i heard that the shopping there is simply fabulous. Of all the damn rotten luck i muz have my A levels at this time of the year...approaching me like some kind of ominous, dark, inescapable doom.

    ive been having alot of weird dreams these days..Its quite disturbing. I reckon itn muz be my cousins bed. Something is seriously wrong with it. And nipsy ( the hamster) is so noisy in the mornings Hes driving me nuts! Half the time ill wake up due to his noisy activities...and ill be quite freaked...like wondering..is there anyone else is the room with me? could it be an intruder? or worse still..a GHO....ok..i shall not say it. Its nightime now and very scary...but then ill rem that its the hamster and i actually feel relieved..

    hey..time really flies by! its been almost a year! I FEEL OLD..and my birthday's just up in abt two weeks! yahhooo....ill be eighteen! the legal age for all things kinky and fun..hahaha..( its not like we dun already do them now..but still..haha. SO wad have i learnt this past year? Well... certainly not alot academically, (hah) but i guess in other aspects of life Ive really learnt some stuff and i guess my Life is quite different now. NEw person...NEw life..(not realie) Hmmm..I guess ive been what u can say to be more "emotionally in tune" this year..I never really used to think in depth about things like emotions and feelings and i couldnt reallie differentiate joy from happiness, and angry from frustration or sadness from depression ( or rather i didnt really care) But now i do understand the difference, because ive learnt to feel the difference., ok..i know this sounds kinda corny but its true. My feelings, my emotions all seem more real..more clear..more defined..more vivid to me then back in the past. In the past i never realie had any strong feelings or emotions, and most of them were pretty undefined, blur and ambigious but suddenly all my emotions have become very REAL..you know itsw like..i can feel the true intensity of them in a way i was never able to before. I guess in a way it has made me someone more aware, about myself and about my surroundings and even abt the pple arnd. Many times i may seem blur..( well sometimes i realie am) but most of the time im not as um..blur as i seem i guess. Im more aware of stuff that i woulnt even take note of in the past!


    but of course with this new born awareness and clarity comes a price to pay. No longer can in be ignorant like the past and live in bliss but becoz im aware..i see things..that i dont even want to see. I know abt things that i rather i didnt. Its a painful process becoz u realise that , just sometimes, ignorance is truly a bliss. Since im more in tune with my feelings, alot of emotions come stromger to me now. Like sadness. the feelings is so vivid that it becomes excrutiatingly painful, something i can't even describe in words..but at the same time, now my happiness, my joys become even ten times more beautiful..more vivid...more enjoyable. I cant realie explain it becoz..well i guess its impossible to describe emotions, to reallie put them down in words becoz words can never capture the true essence of it. And emotions and feelings are just things that cannot to quantified, catergorized or simply transcribed on paper. This process simply cheapens it, simply hollows it out and leaves no meaning to it. Ahh..complexity of the human emotion. But i am thankful that npw i get to feel fully an wholely the true essence of it all. It causes me pain, yes unbearable pain but it has made my life richer. I simply cannot describe to you the intensity of my feelings because it is impossible, WOrds only serve to undermine it, and understate what i feel. It cannot fully express, and leaves everything as a half truth. i guess then, what i feel will juz have to remain with me..in my heart where it is truly understood


    and i have learned alot about friendship too...haha...this is to sum up what ive learnt abt frendship!

    "for a friendship to be considered truly perfect, it muz have imperfection "

    yup..thats it.. no frendship can be considered as truly perfect without those little glitches and flaws. Its those imperfections in our nature and frendships that truly make it stronger, binding us together, Its the imperfections that make our frenship more real..and enjoyable. How can there be a truly perfect flawless frendship? then it wldnt be true frendship anymore. Its only true the flaws that we can test its strength and cohesiveness..and learn whether the frendship is ultimately of any value. its all about balance i guess. Can there truly be a good and perfectly flawless thing in the world? ( apart frm God) ..in think not..frendship is not abt expectation, it is abt acceptance love and gratitude. Dont expect anything and u will get everything u ever dreamt of and more! make sense? think about it...i tot carefully abt this..haha

    so what else have i learnt? well..i guess ive learn to adjust..yeah..that adjusting is something impt we all need to learn in life...adapting..
    ive learn tt life isnt a bed of roses..and even if it was..Roses have thorns too..so amongst all that beauty there lies treachery and pain too.
    Ive learnt that sometimes being happy is the most impt thing in life
    ive learnt that the only person i have to be is myself ( hmm..cliche??) but true...its also hard considering the world and society and stuff. what if the person u r dosent appeal to other pple? or clashes with societal standards? does that mean i have to compromise on being myself? dosent make sense..but its true..it happens all the time. And the thing that has the most value these days is the ability to just be real. to just maintain YOUR OWN IDENTITY admist all the pressures, external factors and erm...turmoils of life. yup. I dont think its tt cliche. Pple may always say this but half of them don't mean it. But its totally understandable why pple would wanna put up faces and wear masks in society. We've all been guilty of that. But its abt trying our best not to sucummb to tt temptation i guess! After all, if someone cant love u and accept u the way u r..the person isnt worth ur time. Why bother trying to impress someone who isnt of any inconsequence. HAha...a girls' gotta have more class than that man...

    anywaes..ive learnt alot alot alot of other things as well..but i sense this is gonna take a realie long time. ANd i have a super HOT date with..yesh..my economics books. now wad an anti climax..( but its me..u shld hav expected it ) Im sorry if thats such a bore but i find "study dates" such a challenge..HAHHA..anywae im guilty of winning e major procrastinator title so im determined to lose it now!
    ciaoZ..


    dawn fairy on the moon at 10/10/2002
    Thursday, October 03, 2002

    .....and silently i watched myself..



    ...emerger from my grief....and face the light.....


    GO girl...hit ur books now!

    dawn fairy on the moon at 10/03/2002

    this is an interesting quote.."One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of
    candy can make you gain five pounds. "

    yea..i have often wondered...sometimes i wish i looked anorexic..

    my prelim results were the pits. i dont realli think ill be able to make it thru the A levels...sighz... not being pessimistic but i got an F for econs. And an O for geog. And like all the teachers say..its not possible to improve by alot frm the prelims. At most u can go is like 2 grades. And 2 grades is a D and an E. i may as well stop sch now in that case lor. sighz..its tttoooottaallly depressing and demoralising. Right now im just trying to comfort myself by telling myself that the prelims were hard..but am i jus deluding myself?? Anywae i can tell that my teachers dun have much hope in my either. I guess they just wan me to prepare myself for the inevitable doom that awaits me. Should i give up? or should i just give it one last shot? run the lap all the way to the end even though i can hardly see the finishing line in sight? Should i give myself a chance? should i believe in myself when everyone else has stopped believing in me? im such a screw up. how can i prove to the teachers that im worth more then they make me out to be? How can i prove them wrong when my prelim results have proved them right? Can i still believe in a miracle..hope for a miracle?


    I dun wanna give up. Coz ultimately.. im not competing with the rest of singapore when i do my exams
    im competing with myself....

    dawn fairy on the moon at 10/03/2002